Sorta Star Wars
by Joe Hamm
Summary: A draft script I did of a Star Wars spoof.


"SORTA STAR WARS" By Joe Hamm

FADE IN:

(1. EXT. THE BIT AT THE START WITH THE FLYING PARAGRAPHS)

A long time ago (but some how in the future), in a galaxy far, far away…

In 1977 the first star wars movie was released. Although very entertaining it's portrayal of the star wars caused contraversy throughout the galaxy and the subsequent fanfare and merchandise just added to the fire. The real events are much less glamourous than the events you have been force fed by planet hollywood. Instead of destroying planet hollywood with a death star the empire decided to commision the real events in the form of this film. So let's set the scene…

The empire is faced with a severe budget crisis. Its recent tax on the wave of letter shaped spaceships flying through the sky in formations that some in the empire are calling 'paragraphs' has not created enough revenue although this opening title sequence is costing us a bomb. Meanwhile the recent Sith Lord expenses scandal has gripped the galaxy. I'm not going to go into the politics of it all but claiming 63p for a pack of those 10p packets of alien shaped crisps sounds like a rip I mean I pay my taxes! (Well atleast I'd like to.)

But the main fight the empire faces is the battle to maintain control of the galaxy…

Meanwhile…Luke Skywalker has a crush on Leia who turns out to be his sister which is really disgusting, don't you think? I mean how can the good guys be incestous… Anyway the evil emperor is locked in a fierce fight with the rebellion, well when we say a fierce fight we mean a minor scrap…

This is what really happened…

P.S. Some actors didn't want to star in this *cough Chewbacca* but thanks to creative casting, you wont even notice! Also thanks to Lucas Films you are awesome!

(2. INT. GOOD SIDES BASE)

Basically a conventional living room right next to a kitchen.

LUKE

(Stumbles through door with C3PO and R2D2 Luke is carrying shopping) Hanny I'm home!

HAN

(Looking through shopping) Did you bump into any imperials uptown?

LUKE

Nope sometimes I wonder if they are even looking for us.

(Cuts to: DeathStar Emperors office)

EMPEROR is sitting do a crossword.

EMPEROR

3 Letters. Not dog but… God this is a hard one.

(Cuts Back to: Good sides base)

HAN

Luke where are the jammy dodgers?

LUKE

Oh yea we couldn't get any…

HAN

(Angry) What? You couldn't get any? It's a bloody outrage! How can a shop not have jammy dodgers?

LUKE

We got Dark Side Brand Cookies instead…

HAN

(Still angry) Dark Side Brand Cookies? Dark Side Brand Cookies? They are hardly the same as jammy dodgers. For god sake… I'll dark side brand cookie you in a second.

R2D2

(Random Beeping) Subtitles: What does that even mean?

HAN

Beep beep beep that's all you do! Frickin wheelie bin…

LUKE

So you don't want the cookies then?

HAN

No I don't want the cookies! Hey Chewie will you pass me a chewie? (Camera focuses on Chewie)

CHEWIE

(Grunts)

C3PO

Well I think the most disappointing part of the shopping trip is that child who didn't let me lick his lollipop!

R2D2

(Random beeping) Subtitles: I offered you a lick of my lollipop!

LEIA

Shut up you lot, no one cares! I am trying to watch Sorta Star Trek!

CHEWIE

(Grunts)

LEIA

You tell them Chewie!

HAN

Turn that rubbish off. It's so unrealistic and so boring! I mean no lightsabers!

LUKE

I have a question… Do any of you care about the rebellion and the fate of the galaxy?

HAN

Nope.

C3PO

No.

LEIA

Yeah I mean…No way.

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: No

CHEWIE

(Grunts)

LUKE

Well I care and Qui Gon cares.

HAN

You don't care you just wanna impress you sister!

LUKE

Utshay upway Anhay. (Mutters under breath) I knew I should have joined the dark side but I couldn't accept the cookies. Darn nut allergies.

C3PO

All those who think a certain protocol droid should have more of a say in this discussion raise their hands! (Only he raises his hand)

LEIA

Qui Gon's personal mission will achieve noting Tarkin is over him…

HAN

Lets only discuss people relevant to our mission. (Stares at door and coughs) Hint Hint.

YODA and OBI WAN enter.

OBI WAN

Hey everybody. The weather out there is dreadful…galactic warming my arse.

YODA

Tell me about it.

HAN

Go on say it in a funny voice.

YODA

(Sighs) About it tell me.

OBI WAN

(Claps) Anyway we would have arrived earlier but yoda bumped into a few female Ewoks.

C3PO

Who can blame him? The ewok's are hot.

R2D2

(Beeping) Subtitles: So does that mean I'm dumped.

Silence

OBI WAN

Anyway… Have I got news for you?

LEIA

It's not on for another 10 minutes.

OBI WAN

Shut up female Luke. War is coming and its coming fast.

YODA

He said coming. (Laughs)

OBI WAN

Funny voice.

YODA

Coming he said.

Everyone bursts out laughing.

OBI WAN

Oh mercy… (Suddenly stops laughing) The emperor has grown restless of our feeble attempts to attack mars…

YODA

So we will destroy it! Kablamo…

OBI WAN

Way to steal my thunder… you tell the story.

YODA

But I don't want to.

OBI WAN

Oh fine! Stupid green rat… So the plan is we pile loads of worthless human beings I don't know… maybe people from Tatooine. (Chuckles)

HAN

(Chuckles) Its funny coz they don't have jobs.

Everyone bursts out laughing.

OBI WAN

Anyway… we pile all the tatooinian humans by volcanoes and blow them up with hydrogen bombs.

LUKE

Erm… maybe I'm missing something but how does that destroy mars?

LEIA

Yeah wouldn't it be easier to just use that giant laser thingy out there. (Points to door)

OBI WAN

Chewie go outside and hit the laser. It wasn't working yesterday. I tried to destroy Hoth and only managed to scorch Alderaan.

CHEWIE

(Grunts and then leaves)

LEIA

So what do we do now?

C3PO

Each other?

EVERYONE

Whah?

C3PO

Erm… you know do each other… (Sees everyone's bemused/disgusted faces) Erm… like impressions n stuff. Yeah… stand up comedy…

LEIA

Oh ok but impressions are boring. I prefer amusing quotes.

YODA

Yes lets take it turns to say amusing quotes.

OBI WAN

(Look at yoda)

YODA

Take it in turns to say amusing quotes we should.

OBI WAN

That's better.

LEIA

Anyway… the quotes! I'll start... Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

LUKE

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

HAN

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

C3PO

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

OBI WAN

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

LEIA

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

OBI WAN

Well that wasted some time. I hope no door-to-door salesmen ring our doorbell. (Stares at door)

Doorbell rings

C3PO

Oooo I'll get it. (Runs and answers the door)

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Hello me and my friend here (points at GRAND ASH TARKIN ) are representing Dark side brand cookies.

C3PO

I'll tell you where to stick your cookies…

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Where?

C3PO

Up your dark side! (Laughs hysterically)

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: That's what she said!

HAN

(O.S.) Tell them their biscuits smell.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Okay then erm… Thanks anyway. (Leaves with GRAND ASH TARKIN )

OBI WAN

Well… Erm…

Everyone exchanges evil glances

CHEWIE

(Walks back in and grunts)

OBI WAN

You took your time!

CHEWIE

(Grunts loudly)

OBI WAN

(Jumps and crushes a banana in his hand) Now look what you've done! Anyway me, Yoda, Luke and Leia have to go now and do some important work for the rebellion…

HAN

What are we meant to do in the mean time?

OBI WAN

I don't know, watch this DVD. (Hands Han the DVD of a New Hope.)

HAN

Oooo Han Solo played by Harrison Ford… isn't he that old man with all the whips?

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: What is the dealio with this. Is this some sorta documentary about our lives?

OBI WAN

I dunno (Whispers) I stole it off Yoda's desk along with an old apple core and a pen with a naked lady on.

Does that star wars thing where it fades like a slide show.

(3. INT. BAD SIDES BASE)

DARTH VADER walks through door to the imperial march then fall down stairs. Music stops then he gets up then music changes to Amarillo. STI, STII and DARTH VADER reinact the video until they get too where the emperor is.

VADER

Sir, Mars has been destroyed… we are under attack.

EMPEROR

I see your asthma has improved.

VADER

Sir?

EMPEROR

You aren't doing that heavy breathing thing anymore. You know the (Imitates DARTH VADER breathing)

VADER

Yes… Erm… Anyway what shall I do about the attack?

EMPEROR

Wait one second I'm thinking… (Stares into space…strokes cat…the gets back to his crossword)

VADER

Sir? The plan?

EMPEROR

Oh sorry I'm really stuck on this darn crossword…

VADER

Erm… can I help sir?

EMPEROR

3 Letters. Not dog but…

VADER

Sir?

EMPEROR

No it doesn't fit I've tried that.

VADER

(Face palm) Erm… what about the rebellion?

EMPEROR

No that hasn't even got 3 letters you aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer are you?

VADER

No what are your plans for the rebellion?

'Jedi Rocks' starts playing.

EMPEROR

I hate this song…

VADER

Sir?

EMPEROR

Oh I'm sorry can I help you?

VADER

The secret plans to crush the rebellion?

EMPEROR

What about them?

Darth Vader

What are they?

EMPEROR

How do I know you aren't a spy for the rebellion?

VADER

Sir?

Emperor

Guards, take this impostor away!

STI and STII look at each other bemused then shrug their shoulders and take DARTH VADER away while DARTH VADER curses the EMPEROR, STI, STII and struggles. GRAND ASH TARKIN enters takes a look at DARTH VADER being taken away and gives it a funny look then shakes his head and walks on.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Sir I have completed the market research. You requested that I meet with you.

EMPEROR

Did I? Oh yes I did. Do you know where Darth Vader is?

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Erm…

EMPEROR

Never mind. Anyway I want you to carry out a secret mission for me.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

What kind of mission?

EMPEROR

Half past two.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Sir?

EMPEROR

Oh are you still here? I thought I told you I needed you to do a mission.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Yes but what do I have to do?

EMPEROR

Qui Gon. I want you to kill him.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

Why me?

EMPEROR

All will become clear…whoever you are. Take STI with you…

DARTH VADER enters.

EMPEROR

Oh there you are Vader. Have you met Grand Ash?

STI and STII enter with HANNUKA and WINDU.

STI

My lord. I found these two men sneaking around the Death Star.

EMPEROR

Are we all settled on that name by the way? I mean it just confirms that we are the bad guys. It is just so black and white around here.

STII

(Points and shouts) Racist! You said the B word!

EMPEROR

Half past two.

VADER

(Bemused) Why did I ever convert?

STI

Anyway. What do you want me to do with these two?

VADER

I'll deal with them. I am making a list and when your pathetic rebellion is over we shall review the list and your names are going on the list. What is it?

HANNUKA

Erm… a list?

VADER

(Shouts) No! Your name you silly little Jedi scum?

HANNUKA

Don't tell them Windu.

WINDU

Oh thanks for telling them Hannuka. I'd never do anything like that to you…

DARTH VADER uses the force on WINDU and HANNUKA start choking.

VADER

Oh you told me. I'm sorry its just it isn't usually that easy… Are you interested in joining the dark side by any chance? You get a cape and chicks dig a cape.

HANNUKA

Ye…

WINDU

(Shouts in disgust) No we don't wanna join your sith scum. (Spits)

VADER

Oh never mind… Take them away.

STI and STII grab WINDU and HANNUKA

WINDU

You were gunna say yes weren't you?

HANNUKA

Yea it's just what exactly is wrong with the empire? They unite an ENTIRE galaxy, bringing fair trade, peace and law and order to THOUSANDS of planets yet we support the people that want to bring them down. Sure the emperor might not have gone the right way about getting power but so what? If you want to make an omelette you've got to break a few eggs.

HANNUKA and WINDU are taken away by STI and STII.

(4. INT. GOOD SIDES BASE)

HAN, C3PO, R2D2 and CHEWIE are watching New Hope.

HAN

The DOS one had so much better execution.

Cantina band plays

C3PO

Yeah this song isn't the bands only record.

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: Yeah but its so darn catchy. (Beeps the cantina band song from new hope)

CHEWIE

(Grunts)

Everyone laughs for about 30 seconds.

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: So is yours!

(5. INT. BAD SIDES BASE)

JABBA is the only one in the room he is tapping his fingers on the walls as he walks around. The door knocks.

JABBA

Will you be a hunny bunny and get that please? Oh yea sorry I forgot I was the only one here. (Goes to door and opens it)

OBI WAN

(O.S.) Hey we are representing Good side brand cereal.

JABBA

I'm sorry sweet pea but the only cereal I eat is… wait a second there is no good side brand cereal. The good side only make baked goods…

OBI WAN

(O.S.) (Interrupts and shouts) Attack!

JABBA

Baby-cakes? What are you doing?

OBI WAN, LUKE and YODA run through the door. The camera focuses on OBI WAN he pulls out a lightsaber. The camera then focuses on LUKE who pulls out a lightsaber. Then the camera focuses on YODA who goes to pull out his lightsaber but pulls out a bamboo stick.

YODA

What the hell?

OBI WAN

Oh yea sorry I put your lightsaber in the wash.

Yoda

I'm not going to even bother asking how that works.

The three Jedi's surround JABBA

JABBA

(Shouts) Darth Vader!

As the following lines are being spoken JABBA sneaks away.

YODA

What the hell is it doing?

OBI WAN

I don't know… maybe it is summoning Darth Vader dumbass.

LUKE

No need to jump down his throat.

OBI WAN

What is it, hate Obi Wan day?

YODA

No that was Tuesday. Remember. (OBI WAN looks downbeat and looks progressively downbeat as YODA goes on) Remember Obi Wan. Obi Wan do you remember? Oh you don't remember? It was when you gave everyone a pay cut? Remember? Yeah and then you made us destroy the Gungun planet but we refused and hit you over the head with that metal pole. Do you remember? No? It was the same reason you took us to court a while back. Remember Obi Wan? You tried to sue us. But you got in trouble instead. Because you were paying us less than the minimum wage. Remember yet?

OBI WAN

(Shouts) Yes I bloody well remember! Wait where'd Jabba go?

LEIA runs in.

LEIA

I'm here! Sorry I got ran over.

LUKE

Yeah we saw you we were there.

LEIA

Your face was there!

LUKE

Ye…

LEIA

(Interrupts) Owned!

LUKE

Bu…

LEIA

(Interrupts) Owned!

THE EMPEROR Appears on one of those hologram things.

EMPEROR

Jabba? Are you there? Is this thing on? Anyway we are just calling to tell you that we are on our way to the theatre.

OBI WAN

(Trying to imitate JABBAS voice) Okay please remind me what we are going to see.

EMPEROR

I don't know it was your surprise remember.

OBI WAN

(Still trying to imitate Jabba) Oh yes I forgot.

STII runs in. Hologram flickers off.

STII

Surrender or the rat dies. (Points gun at YODA)

(6. INT. GOOD SIDES BASE)

HAN, C3PO, R2D2 and CHEWIE are watching New Hope.

HAN

Wait a second! Since when did Lightsabers glow!

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: And the costumes in this film are ridiculous. Chewie is just a walking rug.

CHEWIE

(Grunts)

QUI GON appears on one of those holograms things.

QUI GON

I've found Ash. I'm about to rescue her from a Storm trooper. I need back up. Meet me on Hoth ASAP.

Flickers off and then back on again.

QUI GON

And bring chicken.

They all get up to leave. CHEWIE exits. HAN pulls R2D2 and C3PO to the side.

HAN

Guys I have a mission for you. I need you to kill Luke.

C3PO

But he's hot! (Han stares at him) I mean he's good!

HAN

Yes but he has a crush on Leia.

C3PO

The swine! Wait why is that reason to kill him?

HAN

If you stop asking questions and kill the motherfucker I'll pay you in bank robs.

C3PO

Make that back rubs and you have a deal!

HAN

Fine.

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: Consider him dead.

(7. INT. BAD SIDES BASE)

OBI WAN

(Stares at STII for about 5 seconds and then laughs for about 10 seconds) Oh you are actually serious. Kill him if you want. We don't care about him.

STII

Damn. This isn't working is it. I'm pathetic at being a storm trooper. STI was right! (Starts crying)

LUKE

It'd probably work better if you put on a deeper voice.

YODA

Yeah I mean… It'd definitely be more frightening.

LEIA

Yeah then you would be a good space trooper.

STII

Storm trooper.

LEIA

That as well.

OBI WAN

Yeah I mean you came across pretty fearless to me. Are you fearless?

STII

I suppose I am except for space oh and bulls.

LUKE

You are scared of space. Yet you are a storm trooper. Anyone else thinking it was a bad career choice? Didn't the connexions man come into your school?

STII

Yeah but the other option was worse than this.

LUKE

Do I dare ask what?

STII

Matador.

YODA

What is a matador?

OBI WAN

A bull trainer.

YODA

Bull?

LUKE

No it's true. You know what? You'd be a good teacher STII.

EVERYONE

(Sounds of agreement)

LUKE

So what if you go back to your home planet and go become a teacher? Sound like a good plan?

STII

Yeah. (Snivels) I do like children. Mmmm… (Leaves)

OBI WAN

I say we go to Hoth!

YODA

Why?

OBI WAN

I feel like a spot of skiing!

(8. EXT. HOTH)

STI, GRAND ASH TARKIN and QUI GON are getting ready to battle. STI is in front of GRAND ASH TARKIN.

STI

Stand back Ash. I'll take him.

GRAND ASH TARKIN shoots him in the back of the head.

QUI GON

Well done. You made my job a lot easier. We are free Ash lets get going.

GRAND ASH TARKIN

What are you on about?

QUI GON

I'm saving you. (Pause) From the empire?

GRAND ASH

Why the hell would you save me from myself?

QUI GON

What are you on about?

GRAND ASH

I am the empire Queer Jon. (Shoots QUI GON)

(9. EXT. OUTSIDE THE THEATRE)

EMPEROR

Ooo I'm buzzing.

VADER

That'll be your telecommunications device sir.

EMPEROR

So it is. (Gets out phone) Hey. Who are you? You say you work for me? Oh right okay. So you want me to come to Hoth? For a celebratory ski? Okay whoever you are.

VADER

So who was that?

EMPEROR

I dunno Grand Mof Turkey or something.

VADER

Grand Ash Tarkin?

EMPEROR

That is what I thought at first. But then they said Turkey. Anyway we are going skiing.

(10. EXT. HOTH FIELD)

Empty field. HAN SOLO, C3PO, R2D2 and CHEWIE are the only ones there.

HAN

Wow galactic warming certainly affected Hoth.

R2D2

(Beep) Subtitles: Maybe it wasn't a myth?

LEIA, LUKE, YODA and OBI WAN walk over.

HAN

So did you get the message as well?

OBI WAN

What message? We are here for the skiing. So where is all the snow?

HAN

What are you on about? Qui Gon said meet him here.

GRAND ASH TARKIN puts his hand on HAN SOLOs shoulder.

HAN

(Can't see who it is) Oooo Leia.

GRAND ASH

Guess again?

HAN

Oh balls.

(11. EXT. HOTH FOREST)

VADER

Aww man the forest is so thick. I don't think I'll ever see a field again.

EMPEROR

Look there is a field!

VADER

Yeah well, it was just a figure of speech.

DARTH VADER and EMPEROR walk out into the field.

(12. EXT. HOTH FIELD)

DARTH VADER and EMPEROR walk out into the field to find all the good side tied up.

VADER

Wow did I miss some bondage?

GRAND ASH

No.

VADER

What aren't I allowed to say something a bit wild? With a bit of pizzazz? A bit of bamboozle? A bit of wizzle wazzle? No? Ok that's fine.

GRAND ASH

(Stares at Vader for a second then shakes his head) Anyway I'm just about to kill these guys then we can go find some snow.

VADER

Oh right ok.

EMPEROR

(Stroke chin) We could kill them or we could be lazy and just leave them to die.

VADER

Yeah lets do that!

GRAND ASH

Yeah I didn't really wanna blow them up anyway.

GRAND ASH TARKIN, DARTH VADER and EMPEROR walk off.

'2 hours later…'

LUKE

I know what will pass the time.

LEIA

What?

LUKE

Rock, paper, scissors!

LEIA

Yeah okay then. 1, 2, 3.

They play rock paper scissors.

LUKE

Scissors beats paper. I win.

YODA

Can I play?

LUKE

No.

'An hourish…'

LEIA

Paper beats rock. I win.

OBI WAN

Wait a second… How are you two playing Rock, Paper, Scissors?

LEIA

You don't know how to play?

LUKE

I'll teach you.

OBI WAN

No I know how to play. But if you are playing it… your hands must be free…

LUKE

Your point being?

(13. EXT. Hoth Forest)

GRAND ASH

I can't believe there is no snow.

EMPEROR

Meh. I found this cat.

VADER

Sir, we know. You already told us.

Emperor

Did I? Do you want to stroke my pussy?

VADER

No sir.

Emperor

What's that Mr. flibbles? You smell good people? Are you sure it isn't just haddock again?

VADER

Sir, they are free. The old man is in the forest.

EMPEROR

Shhh… Darth I'm trying to listen to Mr. Flibbles.

VADER

But sir?

EMPEROR

Shush.

DARTH VADER and GRAND ASH TARKIN run off. OBI WAN approaches the EMPEROR.

OBI WAN

Time to take out the trash! (Pulls out lightsaber)

EMPEROR

(Drops cat) Now you've made me mad. (Pulls out lightsaber)

OBI WAN and the EMPEROR start to duel.

(14. EXT. HOTH FIELD)

GRAND ASH is fighting YODA, LEIA, HAN and CHEWIE

GRAND ASH

I'll pwn all your asses. (Fires gun at Yoda)

YODA

(Deflects the shot with Lightsaber) Ha my species don't have asses. We excrete from our mouths.

HAN

Like a German porn star?

YODA

Yeah exactly like that. But anyway that means you will technically have to pwn my mouth.

GRAND ASH

(Shoots YODA in mouth and YODA drops to the ground) Haha.

HAN

(Points at Yoda) Owned!

The camera changes focus to DARTH VADER duelling LUKE.

LUKE

Die Vader die.

VADER

Oh you speak German?

The camera changes focus to C3PO and R2D2

C3PO

No you kill him! (Points at Luke)

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: No. You should dispose of the boy.

C3PO

But he is so darn hot.

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: No. He really isn't.

C3PO

Fine I'll kill him. (Walks over to the duelling VADER and LUKE then BATMAN runs past) Oooo Batman! (Chases after Batman)

During the voice over show a montage of duelling.

(V.O.) So the battle raged on for several months… or minutes I forget.

(15. EXT. HOTH FIELD)

LUKE

(Knocks VADER down with light saber) See you in hell. (goes to stab him)

VADER

Wait… Luke! I am your…

LUKE

Enemy?

VADER

No.

LUKE

Nemesis?

VADER

No. I am…

LUKE

Dying?

VADER

(Shouts) Will you shut up and let me finish? I am your father Luke.

LUKE

Yeah I know. I was at yours for Christmas remember. But I suppose I shouldn't kill you now. (Drops lightsaber and it hits VADER)

VADER

Oww! I think you've killed me.

LUKE

Noooo!

VADER

Tell Leia! That she is your sister.

LUKE

Noooo!

VADER

And Luke…

LUKE

Yes father.

VADER

Tell your Mother… I am a polygamist. (Dies)

Luke

Noooo!

HAN, CHEWIE and LEIA walk over.

HAN

Hey Luke. Leia and me are getting married.

LUKE

Noooo! Wait where is Yoda?

Shot of YODA lying on floor in pain.

YODA

Little help?

(16. EXT. IN A FIELD SOMEWHERE)

A wedding is taking place.

YODA

(In wheelchair if possible) I now pronounce you, man and wife.

LEIA

(Phone rings) Sorry I better take this call. (Walks off with the phone to her ear)

Cuts to back row

LUKE

I can't believe that me, as the hero, didn't get the girl.

CHEWIE

I can't believe Han is getting married before me.

LUKE

You can talk?

Chewie

If you think that is cool you should see me dance.

Cuts to LEIA on the phone just outside the forest

LEIA

Yeah I know you said that Peter should be my last husband but then I met Han.

JABBA

(Split Screen) Okay hunny bunny but why didn't you invite me to the wedding.

LEIA

I didn't invite any of my other husbands to the wedding…apart from batman. Han doesn't know that I am a polygamist like my father yet.

Cuts to table with a huge pile of jammy dodgers on

C3PO

Don't you just love weddings R2?

R2D2

(Beeps) Subtitles: Go do yourself. (Leaves)

BATMAN walks over and grabs C3POs hand they walk off into the distance.

GRAND ASH walks over and sits next to STII, WINDU and HANNUKA.

WINDU

I thought Han said you'd been burnt alive.

STII

(Drunk) Kaboom!

GRAND ASH

They don't call me Ash for nothing.

STII

(Still drunk) Boom Boom.

HANNUKA

Incidentally why do they call you Ash?

GRAND ASH

(Sings Pokemon then pauses looks at everyone's faces) I'll get my coat. (Walks off)

The credits roll to Feng Shui-Gnarls Barkley and then if that is too short Starman-David Bowie or possibly the other way round. After all the credits you see that OBI WAN and the EMPEROR are still duelling. 


End file.
